I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
