So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
