we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
