Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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