I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
