2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
