hell yes lets make some ravioli
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
