my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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