I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
