i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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