I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
