I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my shit smells like andre
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
