if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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