now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
