hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
