I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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