I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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