we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
