i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
