peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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