Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
