Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
