I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
this is an emotional support booty call
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
