I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My vagina just clenched in fear
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
