I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
