I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
