Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
