Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
