I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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