so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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