I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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