Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
