new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
