I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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