just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
