I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
