Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize