so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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