Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
