Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My vagina is officially offended.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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