I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
