Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize