We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
