My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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