You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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