I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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