I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
