Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize