Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
