Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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