How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
