why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
