i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
