He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
