I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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