A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
