The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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