omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize