I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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