I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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