I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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