Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
