Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
