U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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