one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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