Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
