eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
